I step into a new chapter of my life. I am forcing this
change from one chapter to another. I enter it intentionally with force,
dictating the beginning and direction of the new. This force of change, I can
already tell, will be painful but I suppose that all change is painful. I
suppose it seems more so now that I can see the change and I see that I am the
instrument that is forcing it. It is not something that I just step into, nor
one that was forced on me. I cannot tell yet how good or beneficial this change
will be but I know that I cannot continue to live my life as I have been. I
have grown tired, I am actually fatigued, tired of trying for things that will
not and cannot be, tired of trying to live for others and failing to do so. Tired
of being half in and half out. I have lived so long half way into everything. I
must cut out the things I do not need, things that are not good for me. I need
to heal. I have faked being strong too long, I have faked being timid and calm
too long. Both diametrically opposite but both are how I live and both are
wrong. Both sides have been my work and both have exhausted me. I attempt to
become me again, though I have been more me than I had been for a long time. I
need to be me and then hopefully I can be more and better for everyone around
me.
My life, day in and day out, is painful. I hurt every day. I
wound myself in my action and inaction but I refuse to bleed. I work hard to no
real benefit, it does not help me except to allow me to do it again tomorrow. I
work harder to run away from the pain of life and then retire to nothing to
rest and runaway from the pain of emptiness in my life.
I may know Christ but I have not served Him wholly as I
should and in that I created a hole in my life where He should have been the
whole time. I try too hard to find my missing rib and in the struggle I open
the wound wider and cause the pain to increase all the time pushing away those
who would and might be the missing part of me all the time clinging to those
who would not take the challenge of filling that gap and making me whole.
All is folly. My life has been one race trying to catch the
wind. I have lived a half way life to the fullest that I could and in doing so
I have created a gap between me and the truth. I start to wonder if the life I
lived full of loneliness and heartache but still a full life was easier. I do not wish to
feel that again but I live in tortured circles now. Perhaps that pain was less.
Perhaps it was the same but it was honest and in truth it was bearable.
I now contemplate living with my heart open again, if I can
break down the many walls around it. Love with a heart full of love, fire, and
compassion, live in truth and give the pain and sorrow to my Lord as I once
did. I know this is the best way and the way we were made to. I must just give
up the things I have made part of me, the things of this world, and live as a
pauper in the world that I might be a king both in this world and in the next.
I seek to live in wisdom and in truth, to live with love and
compassion, to fight as a knight and son of my King with all might, honor,
discipline and ferocity as I have been made capable of. I shall reclaim myself
by giving myself up to Him who created my and saved me. My goal to lose myself
and be only what He forms from this lump of clay. I can not form myself. Only
the potter can and in His hands I submit and rest so that He may form me as He
desires.
