I screwed up

I don't know what to do with myself. I was seeing a girl, not dating. We had dated for like 4 days but then she said she wanted to take it slow. Ok. I continued to pursue her even though I kinda knew this was gong to end badly. I still hoped. Stupid hope monkey.
So for about 2 weeks I texted her and bought chocolate for her and flowers once. Stuff I never do for anyone and have not done in a couple of years. Still, I did this and she was not my girl. I was hoping. I found myself telling the handful of girls, seven of them, that were trying to get my attention that I was seeing someone, or that I had a girlfriend or that I was just too busy to do anything else but work, which is and was true too. I turned down gals that I could have had for a hope.
This last weekend I went out for the first time in over 2 months to see a friend who wanted to see me. I ran into a girl I knew that I liked but there was never anything there. I directly flirted with her as I always would have in the past and bam! I messed up.
She is close friends with the close friend of the girl I was seeing. I knew this could have been a mistake but I was buzzed and didn't think about it until later. I kinda knew immediately but buzzed me ignored it. I screwed up.
There is more to the story like her talking to her ex for the past week, how I didn't hear from her as much, all he sweetness went away and how I have known for a week that this was probably coming in one way or another. It's just sad that I brought it about. I mean I would have in one way or another anyway. I would have been smothering, not giving her enough space, work too much, not give enough, too flirty (which i know i am natuarally. I need to work on killing that) or I would have given up. It was coming I just hoped I was wrong.
In the end I would like to say she drove me to it, not wanting to commit, talking to the ex, talking to me just enough to be polite friends when I texted. I could have avoided it by talking straight to her and asking, and that probably would have ended it right there.
The thing that kills me is that she thought I was not being honest with her. I did not pursue anyone, date anyone, sleep with anyone, go on a date, buy things for anyone but her. I was not dishonest, I made a bad choice and that was to go out. Had I stayed home none of it would have happened and I knew that I shouldn't have gone to that bar because it is nothing but trouble and it brings a different me out and I know it. I messed up because I went to where I knew I shouldn't. That damned bar. It's not a bad place but I am not good when I am there.

The Veterans Battle

The Veterans Battle

We dealt with danger, war, death, and fear. We lost people we knew. We left our homes, family, friends and the comfort of home to do something bigger. I know some joined for college or because they felt that there was nothing else for them. But many of us joined to do something and be a part of something bigger than us, something that made a difference. Those who experienced deployment and the danger outside of the wire, experienced life to it’s fullest. We knew we could die and so we lived. While we were in service we mattered, we had a mission, we had family and it is our family still, we were the best we could be. We put everything up to and including our lives on the line. Even if no one outside of the brothers next to us knew who we were, we were someone. We mattered.

Now we no longer don a uniform, salute the flag every day, live and train for a day that may or may not come. Now we look like everyone else. When we got out of service we looked and acted differently. We had confidence that could shake and stir a crowd. We still walked with purpose and we put ourselves into everything we did. We still had the spice of life flowing in and from us. We knew things and had standards no one else had. We were powerful. As time went on though, that started to change.

As we worked with everyone else we were told to tone it down. We were told that we are not soldiers anymore. We were told to chill out and to loosen up. We were told to adhere to the standard of those around us which is mediocrity. Over time, we changed because people did not get us, understand us or know how to accept us. We were frightening because we knew things and had had strong beliefs. We worked harder, which to us was not even hard, longer and with more dedication. We were raising the bar and that was threatening to the life normal people live. Our motivation kept us from advancing as it was intimidating. We were shunned because we were “extreme” because our stories were foreign and our hearts beat with the fire of hell. We were told to conform or fail; a well-known story for us who had to raise the bar and conform to excellence or die. Now told that we need to be half of what we are. We were told to be normal, boring, unmotivated, dispassionate and quiet.

As we slowly reintegrate (though we never fully do) into society we start killing ourselves so that we can succeed and fit in. People reading this might think that this is a figurative statement but it is not. Forcing us to be unexceptional, forcing us to hide and bottle up the raw emotions we have is killing us from the inside out. It is when it comes out that it actually kills us.

Yes PTSD, the struggles veterans have because of the things we did and saw, cause us harm but not as much as the harm society puts on us because of it, as much as your demand that we be normal, not as much as the realization that we will never be what we once were. Your judgment of us is killing us, the way you fear us kills us, and your forcing us to be less than what we are, kills us.

There are military memes out there with pictures of soldiers deployed walking in Iraq and Afghanistan conducting patrols, soldiers and marines being shot at and the text on all of them says “PTSD. Knowing you will never be this badass again” Many a vet has shared with me and I agree that this statement is what causes us the most pain. We will never mean what we once did, have the responsibility that we once did, or matter in the same way. There is no need to be as physically fit, keep our weapon skills up, maintain discipline or create bonds of brotherhood like we once did. We will not be fighting on behalf of millions, save lives or conduct ourselves as we once did with perfection and calm in utter chaos. We were once titans never to be again.

This, more than combat, more than PTSD by itself, more than accidents, kill veterans. This is the biggest cause of veteran suicide. We are already suffering inside but you force us to make it worse by forcing us to be less than what we are so that we fit in. Veterans commit suicide because we feel lost, alone, unwanted, unneeded and left in the darkness of our heart as we dull our light, strength, beliefs and hide our hearts. At the point where we can be at any time it takes one event, a catalyst, to push us over and end what we feel is only a part of an existence. It can be the loss of a friend, a significant other cheating or leaving us, loss of a job, or being rejected by someone close to us.

I am not saying that everyone needs to treat us delicately or walk on eggshells around us; just the opposite. Let us grow and thrive. Challenge us. Let us succeed where others don’t. Let us lead, win, fight for you, build things, work hard and stand proudly with you. You don’t need to understand us just accept us. Don’t hold us back, unleash us to do great things. We can do great things and we would build a better stronger nation, states, cities, communities businesses and generations to follow.  

On a final note to my brothers; if you are feeling like this, if you are feeling suicidal, alone, hopeless or you just need support, call someone. You now your battle buddies that you served with, call them. Get a hold of one of the veteran and veteran support pages: Should’ve been Infantry, girls for gunslingers, ranger up, themgrunts, gruntworks – all on Facebook. Seriously call someone. One of this things about the veteran community is we have all been there, we go there from time to time, we always have each other’s 6 and we don’t judge each other because of the hell we all go through. We went through hell together once and we will do it again with you.