The Ones We Can't Get

The ones we can not get
A product of time and fate
Desire and hope
We reach out for them as a star
Like a star we know we will never reach it
If we got close to that star we would be burned
Our life would turn to ash
As it does many times when we get close
To the one we can't have
We want them because they are unattainable
They can not burn us because we can not reach
They teach us to reach out and climb higher
We can reach a mountain peak or walk on the moon
We are forced to go higher in the hope we will one day reach
The truth of the matter is
We wait until one day the light of that one we can not get reaches us
She brightens our day and chooses to be the light
The one that brightens our life.
The ones we can not have are not chosen by us
But if one day we have that one
It is because she chooses us.
I will try to be the perfect man
The one who makes her dreams come true
So that one day she chooses us
And our day is brightened by the light we could never have.

"You bleed just to know you're alive"

My heart has reached a desperate point of question and desire. The welcome unexpected happened to me and now a seemingly perfect picture threatens to be torn apart. A woman that I had met touched my heart as though I had no armor or walls to guard it. She did it unknowingly and non-forcefully with nothing but a smile and a good and open heart. I didn't fall but I was knocked over backwards by this ever so brief encounter. To this day I do not know her but for a few words and a light in her eyes. She was hit just as hard and I did nothing to will it. Our hearts just fell with the lightest brush of a quiet breeze.

I have not been touched so deeply since I was still a child. I had a huge heart with unmatched desire to love. A heart and desire that since has been bridled and walled away by disappointment, hurt and fear.  All at once my heart was like that of a child's, innocent, fearless, and unwavering.

This girl I met was everything I had wanted and looked for when I was young before I closed my heart. The fire in her eyes is one of love, passion, and hope. It is a fire that is rare and one I have not seen but once in my life but it is unmistakable. I spent no more than a few minutes talking with her in the few days that I was able to see her. I visited her at work, she is a waitress, and spent my time enjoying her kindness and unshielded heart. I know very little about her but I know that her life has been hard and that it may not get any better.

I left NM to go back to Iraq for my remaining 2 months in theater with nothing but a phone number and the promise to keep in touch. I texted her through email and she responded. This lasted 3 days and on the fourth I had gotten potentially heart shattering news.

When I met her she was in a relationship with a guy, who I was told was not a good guy. I was told that he was the sort that I would want to come back and teach a lesson or two to. A real piece of work. When asked, she told me that it was a bad situation and that she intended to break up with him but didn't know how. She said that she was afraid to. I kept in touch knowing she was with him but with the knowledge that she would eventually be rid of him. I didn't do anything with her while I was home. I barely gave her a friendly hug, the only physical contact I had with her. I was being honorable about the situation. I wanted to do things right. I wanted to wait until I could love her and she had nothing to hold her back.

On the fourth day I received a short simple message, one of finality that could mean the end of this short lived dream.  This message said that she would have to work things out with her boyfriend because she was pregnant. She said it would have been unfair to not let me know. That was it. This could be real, this could be a message written because she got scared and overwhelmed by what was going on, or fear because of the situation she was in with this guy. I still don't know. I have a tendency to come off strong when my heart gets involved. I don't think it is that. I think that her message was true and that she feels trapped as I now feel trapped.

I wrote back saying that it was up to her but I was not giving up so easily. Whatever she decided was best was what she needed to do but that I would still be here to talk and that I wanted to talk about it. The heart is so reckless when it gets attached. Since then I have felt my heart panic and my armor started to strap on and my walls began to go back up. Still though even with this surprise and certain hardship my heart is unwilling to give up and quit. I don't want to give up and quit. Even though my mind knows I should and I would counsel others to just move on I find myself the fool who does not want to give up on this woman, a rare wonder who was able to get to me. I fear now that I am headed to a heart break that will send my heart into another 10 years of self proclaimed exile. An exile where my heart seeks to feel and love but can not break free of the walls it has built.

If she were to choose me I think that I would take her and make her mine and I would be hers. I don't believe in coincidence. The events of my trip back home directly led to our meeting. My heart foolish as it is does not make mistakes. Every woman I have fallen for has been of the utmost quality even if I was the only one who could see it at the time. I have not been wrong about them. I was only wrong about thinking they were the right one for me. For each one it took only an instant to realize and for all of them it took years to recover. It was no coincidence that we met. It was a fate of some kind. Even if that fate was to show her a few moments of love and sincerity then so be it. But it was meant to happen. Now I wait.

In the last few days I have looked back on the women I have loved and I see now with clear vision that none of them ever could have been. I pursue those that never would have worked out, those who deserve the best, those who I could never be right for. I didn't see it then but I wonder if I didn't know it somewhere in my heart or the back of my mind. I wonder if I don't somehow intentionally torture myself, if I choose the ones who are so right but wrong for me on purpose.  Am I some sort of emotional masochist?

The words of the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls seem to ring loud in my head right now. I have lived my life for others for most of my life. Since I was a child I put the welfare, care and happiness of others before my own. Also, I know part of my calling in this life. I know it is not all pleasant and that my life was not made to be easy. I was called before birth to live a hard life and to be a part of unpleasant work. I was made for it and I go to my destiny with a joy that comes from having a purpose. I wonder if the possibility of my own happiness is a reality. Others tell me that I will find it and that I will have it one day. Others who sometimes know things of tomorrow that normally people shouldn't know without the Lord imparting that knowledge. My doubt is not in the Lord or His will but it is in the things unseen in my life.

It is a sad thing to live every day expecting to be let down. Even more sad when you are right in living with that expectation. I can live that way. The hard thing is I had lost hope. Not hope in the Lord, hope for eternity, or even hope for others. I had lost hope for this world and for my own life. I know my eternal salvation is secure and I have that hope witch is in Christ for the promise He has given for eternity. I have not lost hope that I my live exists to serve Him and that I have a purpose that I will live in service to Him. I have lost hope for my happiness. The promise is not for happiness, or for satisfaction or for my personal desires. It is for His love and for a place with Him in eternity. That is enough. That is what I love for. I just wish would be for a little bit for me. I don't even know if I can truly hope for or wish it anymore or if I have even been able to for a long while.

Yes, I expect to get hurt on this one. I have and will continue to put my heart out on this one even though it is almost certainly the death of another part of my heart. I can do nothing else. I don't know how to quit. It is possibly one of my greatest strengths but also the greatest source of heartache that I have. Regardless I will not give up. The fate of this situation is in her hands and in the hands of the Lord. My heart is out there with all the love it has to give as it is to all those who need it, those who the Lord sends that need to see and feel His love, for my friends and those who I call family. Beyond that I continue to walk down the path that the Lord has set before me to the tasks he has ordained for me, and the fate he has set for me. Not my will but His.

Good Guy Goodbye

I did it again. The only thing I could have done, the right thing. The only thing a good guy can do, say goodbye. The same day that I got the text that she was pregnant with his child I told her that I wasn't giving up because of that. She started by saying that she was going to try to work it out, then that she didn't know what that meant for us, then that she didn't know.  After several messages back and forth I told her she needed to do what was best for her and the baby and from what she was saying, that would be to work on it with him. I said that if that was what was best then she needed to do it. I told her that I would pray for her and I would never forget her. I told her I would think fondly of her and I prayed and wished the best for her and that I was here if she needed me. Then I said goodbye.

As much of an asshole as I have learned to be, in the end I still have to be the good guy. I couldn't just try to persuade her, try harder, not let go. Nope, I told her to go with what she thought was best and then said goodbye. I know this is going to turn out badly. It almost always does when one chooses what is easiest or more convenient. I suppose he does deserve a chance since it is his child but she wanted to get away so bad and was scared to get away for fear of what he would do…….that just sounds like a bad deal. I will pray for her. She is going to need it. I hope she gets better but honestly all I can see is the old sad  story of a woman trapped because she got pregnant  young, stuck with a bad guy, her life ruined and unhappy because of him.  Such an amazing young beautiful woman with so much potential. I will pray for better. She won't call back, when I see her she will say hi and that she is doing well. That is it. That is the way it always works.  I hope I am wrong.

On my end I guess the saddest part is that once I said goodbye the hurt quickly went away, the sorrow went numb. I have gotten good at killing the pain. Gotten good at killing emotions. One day I won't ever feel anything again. Also my walls and armor are up and tougher. I wish I could let them down but I can't not even if I tried. Every time the pain goes away faster and the walls become thicker and the armor gets harder. I don't know how she got through, a weak point in my armor, a hole in the wall, or maybe they both started coming down.  It will be harder to get through now. All I feel now is just that same old emptiness. The same one that has been there since I was a kid. That is it. Just the emptiness. I almost wish I would hurt. I don't know why. I guess at least I would know that my heart is still alive.

As I think about it I know it wasn't her fault. Her situation is, no doubt. But my situation is my fault. I fell and I knew it. I got hit hard and fast and I just kept going with it. I knew from experience that I shouldn't. I have done that too many times but……………honestly, not like that. My heart and mind were cruising with it but somewhere in me, something wanted me to be careful but I wasn’t. I love to easily and recklessly. Not just women but all people in general. I love them even though I know almost as fact that I will be let down. I expect people to fail me, to let me down and still I love them. I suppose that is what I get for those whom I have let down. I just need to give up. It ain't gonna happen. I want it too bad, it scares the crap out of me, I have everything else anyone would want. Lets see what happens next.

I sit and Wait

I sit and wait
I have so little time but it is an eternity
I know where I am and I know where I am going
I do not know where I stand
I would for her give my all
My time, my life, my heart, my world
One like here I have never found
So strong and wild
So vulnerable and mild
I wait for her I hope it's me
The one she needs
To hold her close
Be here prince until she's my queen
I know her dreams, the ones she shared with me
So like mine, so simple, so complete
I want to make them all come true




This is an older peom

Not My Move

Not My Move



I truly do not know what to say or what to do
Who do I choose do I even choose?
No I do not, the choice was made long before me
Now what choice do I make?
What choice Have You made for me?
Is it her or her? Here or there?
Service or service? Church or State?
Now or when? To go or stay?
Yes or no? Why or why not?
All questions I can not answer
All answers You already know.
Still quiet. Come talk to me now,
On my mountain, I stand and call.
I have seen fire, I have felt wind,
Shaking beneath me, an earthquake I did know.
Listening intently a quiet breeze I do not hear.
What am I to do only time will tell
Your time and Will. Your clock I do bear.
Meant for such a purpose, I can not say.
But why did you choose me from yesterday?
All of my thoughts you know in my head,
All of the feelings in my heart are unhid
Yet You still chose me before Adams first bed
Short was the time I did not know true
A child was I when You brought me to You.
A chance did I have to live not in Your sight
But a second no more for you held me tight.
You your own witness brought me to light
For you wanted me tomorrow, for You will I fight.
Still, why you choose me
Tonight I don’t know
Neither for me to reap nor to sow
Yes these thing I do do
This purpose not new
For this is my mission but one of two
Afraid of my time
Your will is not mine
My destiny is in You
To run I’d be but a fool
I fear my path be lonely
Your will I cannot see
You reveal what I need
And not what I plea.
Lord, Give me comfort
Patience and peace
Let me not worry what tomorrow might bring
Instead let me see the gifts you give me
And not the fear of what they’ll not be
I live on, for today is the key
That will open tomorrow
A new day it will be
And some day tomorrow
The plan will I see
As easily as the branches on a small Oak tree
Then I will say
“My God had the day”
If you have then and you have tomorrow
Then why do I worry of things of today?
Lord, give me the courage to give up today
For to resist you only brings pain
To continue in stubbornness is truly insane
Help me give in to your best for me
For I will only miss it
On my own decree
Does this help me know what to do
I truly know not what to say, what to do
So I will stand still and wait for your move
Where you move me, a piece, one of your own
A bishop am I? I, a knight, maybe true.
Or is it possible, a rook,
I…will you move?
While playing against an opponent,
A piece…
On the team that will lose.

Only a Friend

My dear friend

Why art thou only?

I speak of my dreams

I tell of my thoughts

I share freely my love

The truth you know

That is in my heart

The feelings I feel

Out of the shadows

The love I have

Burning in the hearth

All these you know

Yet still here am I

Alone and dreaming

For dreams have no need of change

So unlike my heart

Which cries for change

A friend only, yes

And I fear forever

My heart yearns for love

The love of your heart

Which is denied by

The heart of my love

My friend, yes only a friend

Why art thou only?

I miss you already

Though I just held you

I hold myself back

Allowing for shallow conversation

I wish you well

And say good bye

I give you a hug

And I refuse to cry

As you walk away

My heart cries out

I just want to see

The end of this day

For the morning brings

Hope anew to see

Your bright, shining face

Smiling as you again hug me

As I blow up inside

With the love I hide

From you each day

Do You Love Me Too?

If only you knew, if only I could say

What my heart is telling me

It is true, It is stronger day by day

This love for you, time is the key

I just have to wait and look in your eyes

And hopefully I’ll see a love to make me cry.

Cry not tears of sadness, cry not tears of sorrow

But tears of everlasting joy and eternal loving-kindness.

I love you and I tell you, this truly is no lie

What my heart yearns to know

Is do you love me too.

Yes you love me as a brother

And you love me as your friend

But I wonder do you love me

As you know I’m loving you

My Friend, My Sister, My Love

My friend, my sister, my love

I have known you for so short a time

Yet I feel I have known you for a lifetime.

The spring in your step when you are happy

And the shuffle you do when you’re down.

The way you push your hair back

and how it flows in the breeze

The brightness in your smile,

The sparkle in your eyes,

The shine of your hair,

The fire in your heart

Magical is the way it grows brighter

The moment you walk in the room.

You shine like a diamond

And you’re warm with the fire of God

You’re so unsure of yourself yet firm in your faith

So great is the look on your face

When you learn something new

Magical is the spell you have over me

I love you and always will

No matter where we go what we do

And if I never see you again

until that great day

We meet in glory

I love you

My best friend

My sister in Christ

My love for life

I love you

Holding Back

I miss you already

Though I just held you

I hold myself back

Allowing for shallow conversation

I wish you well

And say good bye

I give you a hug

And I refuse to cry

As you walk away

My heart cries out

I just want to see

The end of this day

For the morning brings

Hope anew to see

Your bright, shining face

Smiling as you again hug me

As I blow up inside

With the love I hide

From you each day

Her

Her true beauty hides beneath

Sparkling eyes, bright as the sun

Smiling lips, soft as velvet, and

Hair that flows like wheat in a breeze.

Behind these enchanting features

Lies a beautiful and kind Woman,

Filled with love and fire.

Her love shines through the darkest days

And will never be blinded by the radiance of the sun.

God’s Spirit Flows through her and

Builds the fire in her heart

That can never be put out.

Her love is as vast as the

Seashores and as soft as a

Rose petal on a spring morning.

Her beauty is only matched by

The intensity of her love.

That love draws me nearer

And makes my love even stronger.

Because She Dips ~ Jonathan Gomez

Verse 1

I went to the bar

for some beer with the boys

see the pretty girls

have a dance, do some shots

And she was standin’ there

In front of the skoal booth

Getting a can

Packing it tight

Spittin like a pro

The only girl in site

So I asked her "So you dip?"

I met her because she dips

First Chorus

She can two step

She can twist

She can turn

She can flip

She can spin

She’ll waltz across the floor

She drinks Coors light

Smokes Camel Lights

Every cowboys dream

She's amazing as can be

But she's my girl

Because she dips

Verse 2

Now we go together

So some shots

Drink Coors light

And dance all night

We walk to the bar

I buy her a beer

She gives me a smile

She's happy a while

But it really gets her

When I give her

Long cut Skoal

I get to love her

Because she dips

Second Chorus

She can Rope

She can ride

Works all day by my side

She can cook

She can clean

Looks so great in blue jeans

She Drives a truck

With CB

She's pretty as can be

I love that girl

Because she dips

Spoken

It doesn't matter

Barefoot in sweats

Wranglers 'n boots

muddy and tired

Dressed up and pretty

I love that fat lip

And that longcut smile

Spittin's in boy

You want a dip?

Sung

Because she Dips

Valentines Day 2011

As Christians, believers, followers of Christ, we are by the very name we call ourselves to be Christ like. There are too many areas to cover on that so I will cover a piece of just one, love. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son." "For God demonstrates His love for us in this, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." There are more passages. These were the first two to pop into mind.

Christ died for us because He loved us. That was His ultimate act of service, sacrifice, love. Christ served us. God served us by giving us more than what we have. We have taken those gifts and many times unknowingly cast them aside. That is why life is not perfect. In our sin we cast aside His gifts like, love, grace, and His perfect will for us.

Love. Christ served us by giving us everything, by giving us His life. In the same way we should be giving our lives to Him and the ones we love. I don't mean that we should die but we forfeit our lives in love. When you look at that man or woman you are married to you should think to yourself, "what can I do to serve you today?" Love fails because we get caught up in the glitter like Hollywood image of love, because we get caught up in an idea of love, we get caught in lust, because we lose focus on the love for those special others and start focusing on ourselves. If people would just stop worrying about getting mine and start serving those that they love, that means you marry the one that you would serve the rest of your life and who would serve you, divorce would start to disappear, couples would grow old together, children would grow up with fewer problems and be more successful, and this world would hurt a lot less.

True love is not a feeling or something to fall in and out of. It is something that just happens and when it does it has nothing to do with you. Love is not about getting married or having sex or Valentines day or even about feeling good. Love truly hurts a lot of the time. It is sacrifice and service. It is what happens when one realizes that they care so much more about another that their well being and happiness is more important than your own.  I don't think that everyone had had the pleasure of suffering love because some, or many, can't get out of their own way, can't stop focusing on the person in the mirror. True love is about them.  Something to think about.

Happy Valentines Day 2011.

Johnny

Song - Dry of Tears

And Still I walk alone

For a moment I walk into your life

A light that shows a path to get you home

I'm here to help dry your tears away

I sit with you, I'll protect you till it's day

I'll walk by  you a friend you

Help you when you're crying

But when It's day I will go my way

 you don't know, my heart, it's breaking

Still I walk alone

And still I walk alone

I'm here for you until your tears are none

I walk beside you, still, until you're gone

Who is there for me, my heart to bear

The silence blares until I can not hear

Don't pity me, I walk this path alone, to shine for you

No you don't know me, I walk the world

With no one to walk by me

Every night I lie alone the Book is  at my side

The pain, it fills me darkness is empty, I pray the sun to rise

You hear my prayers, my heart is dry of tears.

I'll walk by  you a friend you

Help you when you're crying

But when It's day I will go my way

 you don't know, my heart it's breaking

Every night I lie alone the Book is  at my side

The pain, it fills me darkness is empty, I pray the sun to rise

You hear my prayers, my heart is dry of tears.

And Still I walk alone

And Still I walk alone

And Still I walk alone

And Still I walk

And Still I walk

Smile

A smile touched my lips and broke my solemn countenance

For from my heart flowed such warmth to melt the ice at once

Such warmth so rare it had been forgotten behind my dismal stare

This all brought on by one so fair a strong and  lovely miss

So I sit here now in lonely bliss with this smile upon my lips

Song - I Ain't Fightin For You

I, A soldier you don't know, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.

I'm a soldier that you don't know

My color's green and my heart is true

I joined one day to pay my due

To fight for my country that I dearly love

I'm not a killer a murderer a hero or saint

I'm the man in green who left to fight for you

But I don't.

I met you one day when I came back from war

I was tired and happy a boy no more

I saw your sign "make peace not war"

And you asked me what I was fight'n for

I stood tall and proud with a tear I wouldn't cry

I said I fight for you and your words that say I 'm wrong

And that all of us should die

But now that I think about it I realize

-

I don't fight for you

I fight for the man in green in the foxhole next to me,

The Thousands who went before

I fight for the unborn child you say is just a choice

For the second amendment that keeps you free

And secures your liberty

I fight for the ones who still have hope

For those who need a hero

And for those who believe in the red white and blue

I ain't fightin' for you.

I turn on the TV and all I see

Are liberal hippies junkies and crooks

Saying we don't need this war

I want everything given to me

My job my healthcare, my freedom and my car

It's not my fight we are all the same

I deserve it even though I don't work hard

We want change what does that mean?

-

I don't fight for you

I fight for the man in green in the foxhole next to me,

The Thousands who went before

I fight for the unborn child you say is just a choice

For the second amendment that keeps you free

And secures your liberty

I fight for the ones who still have hope

For those who need a hero

And for those who believe in the red white and blue

I ain't fightin' for you.

You want security healthcare and money

You want us to have all the same and you call that liberty

But I gave mine away so we can all be free.

I'm not free I have all the things you say should be free

But my will does not belong to me

I'm a man in green I gave you my liberty

So you can try to take it away from our posterity

You say I am wrong because I love my country

-

I don't fight for you

I fight for the man in green in the foxhole next to me,

The Thousands who went before

I fight for the unborn child you say is just a choice

For the second amendment that keeps you free

And secures your liberty

I fight for the ones who still have hope

For those who need a hero

And for those who believe in the red white and blue

I ain't fightin' for you.

-spoken

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a

more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility,

provide for the common defense, promote the general

Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and

our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the

United States of America.

Heroes?!

Tonight I was reading my favorite graphic novel, Kingdom Come. It is a Superman based story. Yes I am a geek or dork or whatever you may call me. But it is a good story and deep, especially for a comic book story. I began by reading the Forward, I suppose you might call it, by Elliot S. Maggin the author of Kingdom Come the novel based on this graphic novel, and though I have read it before I still read it and am inspired by it. He talks about the story tellers of old and how they would come up with stories of heroes and how even we, today, come up with stories of heroes and how those stories are mere representations of what we wish we were and how we think things ought to be. He says that to write stories like this one you have to believe in the characters in the story. Yes. He says he believes in Superman, Wonder Woman and even Santa Clause and then quickly explains that he does not believe in the person or character themselves but that there are people out there that have the same character traits of those heroes.
As I begin the story I read of a Character who was once himself a superhero, the sand man, and how he has lost faith in the heroes, people and world that had come about. Further into the story you find that even Superman had become disenchanted with the world at hand and exiled himself to his fortress of solitude. The two of them saw a world that had given their safety, thoughts, and lives to others to be run and decided by the new generation of heroes who where not even shadows of the heroes of old such as Superman and Wonder Woman. They had sold their souls to those who would rule over them.
The story continues to the end where the heroes of old were needed but not to rule but to help and assist humans in their endeavors but that it was up to man kind to choose the direction of their lives and this world. Heroes are needed, not to do the work or to dictate the path of the world but to inspire others to do right and to excel.
As I read this story I realize that our world is very much in the same predicament. The heroes of today are not ones with good moral character, deeds done with love and honor not for themselves or glory but because it was right. Good deeds, and sacrifice for others, for the good of another human being are not the attributes of the heroes today. There are people who do meet the standard of the heroes we used to look up to but no one knows them because they are overshadowed by the lights and glitter of the heroes we have created and put on stage because of their beauty or because of their rebellion to that which is and was once believed to be good.
The people who are idolized today are movie stars, pop singers and athletes who can dunk, run, kick, cheat, steal, and other immoral actions. Today what is good is scoffed at and evil is thought to be good or cool. We put such people on a pedal stool, shove them in the lime light and ask them to make our decisions for us. What to wear, drink, say, think, believe and how our lives should go.
Kids, teens, and young adults today watch MTV, VH1, Sex in the City, Pokémon, Anime, and many others and decide that the immorality pouring from the TV screen is something to aspire to. Whatever happened to kids looking up to George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Superman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Amelia Earhart Neil Armstrong, Deborah, Joshua, Jesus Christ, Billy Ghram, Shane, your father, mother, grandfather or grandmother. You don't see that very often anymore. No they weren't perfect (well Jesus was) but they are usually someone to look up to.
We as a society have begun to give our lives, souls, this very world to people who don't even have their lives together much less the ability to dictate the future of the human race. We are handed everything. We are so lazy that we ask MTV or CNN to make our decisions for us. We can't even think on our own. No wonder we elect a socialistic president. The American people have come to the point where they don't care and don't want to decide on their own so they will let the government run their lives for them. They don't want to work for success or for their own keep, they just want to be given everything.
What happened to the heroes of yesteryear? I'll tell you. They are still around and they still save the day but they are forgotten and overshadowed by the glitter and spotlights. We all know inn our hearts what is right and how things ought to be but those things are not popular so we ignore our hearts and our very being taking the easy path, the one that will eventually destroy us. It is so bad that those who do and would do right, who would stand up for TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN WAY, for peace, for honor, for life, kindness, morals, who would stand up for the little guy who is bullied, those who leave home to serve the country they love, those would give all they have to make this world a better place even if it by a simple smile, 5 minutes of listening to a stranger, stopping a bully or an abusive husband or boyfriend from hurting his girl, or telling a friend to put the drink down or to give up their keys who would stand up against the majority not to prove a point but because it is right, that those people who believe and stand up for such things are beginning to lose hope and grow weary. Heroes still exist but they are growing fewer in number and those that still stand alone and in the dark.
I hope and pray for the day that the heroes stand up and with one voice say that this is not right and begin a good work to help people and rebuild this country of ours regardless of the consequences. Such a time is needed and would almost certainly destroy those heroes but in the end hopefully a new generation would be inspired to continue in their footsteps and be heroes themselves and continue the good that was started by the few heroes left today. Perhaps we could save our fellow man if we just chose to do the right, to stand and to make a difference. We need real heroes.

Song - She's Why I Fight

She didn't have to say a word
She had already said it all
her eyes her looks
her unspoken words
she cared too much to break my heart
That's how good she is 
she stole my heart and didn't know
then gave it back
but it's not whole
She don't know
She's why I do it

The reason why I fight
She is why I go 
And run around late at night
She's the reason why I'm here
why I keep my gun in sight
and why it is I leave
The reason that I fight

The last night I saw her 
We said goodbye
She don't know it 
but I cried
I walked away into the night
she's that kind of girl
I think of her and she don't know 
I watch the stars
and I see her
She don't know

She's why I do it
The reason why I fight
She is why I go 
And run around late at night
She's the reason why I'm here
why I keep my gun in sight
and why it is I leave
The reason that I fight

It's been 2 years since I've been home
Every day Iraq seems more like home
The dusty winds
our MRE's
We go out into the night
to engage our enemy
I think of her here at home
I hope she's happy
though he's not me
She don't know

She's why I do it
The reason why I fight
She is why I go 
And run around late at night
She's the reason why I'm here
why I keep my gun in sight
and why it is I leave
The reason that I fight
Yeah she's the reason 
T h a t  I   F i g h t


(Spoken)


Darlin
live fee
live happy
Because you're why I fight

A Beating Heart

Boob-ba-boom Boom-ba-boom
The heart beats as a bird flies
Or a butterfly flaps its wings
It is a constant beat
Faster of slower as love draws near
Its only enemies
The fear within
And the pain of a broken heart
A broken wing can stop flight
A broken heart can stop life
Waiting for someone to tend the broken wing
Frozen in a painful moment
Waiting for the wound to heal
The heart beats
The bird flies
Wounds heal

Stormy Seas

As my eyes become great salty seas
My heart begins to sink.
The stormy weather that passed me by
Left my heart broken and dry.
Tiny pieces float about to tell the story
Of past adventures and the few great loves
Gone in a blink.
This sea is unforgiving
As the waves leap about
For many hearts are crushed
In this sea called love.
The pieces are carried by memories to land
Where they all come together to sail again.
You learn to sail
You learn to swim
You learn to love all over again.
The seas are rough and many sink
And some find love
A lifetime to keep.

Plea

Alone again tonight
Without someone to hold
Someone to be with
Some one to behold

My dream is simple
And yet all too complex
Someone I can be with
And love day and night

I care not for folly
I do not care for lies
I do not care about sex
But I do for one standing by my side

Yes I love adventure
I know only romance
I believe in chivalry
I can even dance

There is so much I have to give
But nice guys finish last
Because it is my dream to give
The world and nothing less

I do not keep you guessing
My heart is on my sleeve
And all the love it carries
Will surely never leave

I am alone tonight
And still my only plea
Is to have one to love
Who will stand by me

I will hold you close
Give you all your dreams
I will cary you through the night
Beneath the moon light beams

I will climb a mountain
Crawl upon my knees
Dance upon the hills
Give you all the trees

But still I sit alone
Here in my dark room
With only my computer
It seems more like a tomb

Where is it I can find you
Where is it you stay
Somewhere so far from me
I have not met you even to this day

Here I am and all I ask
Is for you to hear my plea
All I ask is someone who
Will stop and start loving me

I'll Sit and Smile

When I see you passing by
I'll think of memories and dreams
Your beautiful smile
The shine in your eyes
I'll see you and I'll wonder
Why it didn't work
Did I drown you with devotion
Scare you with my love
Or did you just decide
To turn around and run
I'm going to smile
Maybe wave and say hello
Then I'll take my beer
I'll toast you
And turn and walk away
You will see the pain in my eyes
The questions on my mind
But all around will see my smile
Like one I haven't seen
In a long while
I'll tell you that I'm fine
I don't ever think of you
Then when you're gone
I'll begin to cry
Some will wonder why
I'll say I am remembering a death
One that broke my heart
They'll see my shiny dog tags
I won't have to say a word
They'll think it was a death in battle
Though right they may be
It was the battlefield of love
Not one out in a field
They'll leave me be
I'll sit and drink
And still I'll cry for you
You'll never know
Though you see
What kind of heartache you are to me
I give my life to others
I take it all so lightly
My heart I keep
Locked and safe
Few will ever hold it
All because of times like this
And those who know not
How to handle it
Every time I let it go
To try to love and hope
It is broken and the pieces never really heal
So I will sit there with my beer
Laugh and smile and be ok
While my heart is broken
Behind my smile
My tears
They wait to cry

I Only Know

Here I sit on my couch
Alone with heartache
I would say ouch
but it is a slow constant ache
A black hole inside
Eating at me slowly
My eyes can not hide
No matter how shrewdly
I try to conceal
The storm clouds in my mind
The pain is real
The storm is unkind
No one knows my pain
I hide it all within
Is it all in vain
It may have been
I sit here alone
No one knows my pain
It is all within me
I am drowning
In the tears I do not cry
I'm going deaf
With the words I do not say
Why does this happen
Always it happens
I am alone
It seems I am always
Always alone

Lonely Kingdom

In a land beyond love and lust
Where all that exists
Is a lonely field
And the desire to be held
One with which to grow old
Beauty and warmth are but a dream
Your arms are empty and eyes are full
Only for a moment though
As the tears begin to fall
This country disappears to dreams
The fear that they will not come true
Visions of love and beauty
And arms no longer empty
Someone to love that I can hold tight
And Iâll never be alone again through the night
But wake each morn to a love
Born in His light
My own sweet love
An angel within my site
Still though I wander in this land
A country of lonely plight
I fear this be my home
My kingdom
My prison
A lonely throne

Silent Nights

It is only in the silence of the night
When all that can be heard
Are the echoes on your heart
And the thoughts in your head
The silence brings more noise
You hear more in quiet
The things that you put aside
The things that time and actions
Things that brings racket and noise
Things that drown out the truth and emotion
The echoes of the heart the fear that it brings
And the pain that you fear
In the silence of the night
Ones truest heart is made clear
The demons are heard and near
As are the dreams and hopes that are true
Angels and demons
Dreams and nightmares
Hopes and fears
All are heard and seen
My mind is clear
These things that haunt us in the night
That keep us from restful slumber
Hopes that haunt our dreams
Fears that glorify our nightmares
It is these times in sleepless nights
That make us heroes or villains
May God keep us on these dark silent nights

My Favor is Falling

My favor is falling

Declining from your sight
Long was the time
That I held my love back
I fought with all my might
And favor did I find
In the eyes of you, my friend
Now that I no longer hide
The love that I buried far behind
The mask that for so long I wore
To disguise the hurt and pain deep within mine eyes
Bloodshot by the tears
I find the favor I have had
Growing since that wonderful day
Now is falling far behind.
The mask long since gone
My eyes no longer red
I find my favor falling out of sight
Silence brings me favor
Truth makes me fall
To love and lose,
Be mute and make
Which folly should I choose?

Statue

Here I stand in the spotlight
A tower of strength for all to see
My head is down
I know the truth
For all my strength
There is emptiness
I fight here in silence
Surrounded by the dark
I am still
I stand tall
All see strength
I feel empty, alone
This pain inside
Growing bigger, breaking out
The darkness in the light
A sight of paradise
Plagued by monsters all my own
A terrible fight breaking and screaming
Tearing me apart
Nothing I can do
But sand tall and strong
A Monument to strength
All alone in a courtyard
The moon shines down
And Lights this man
All I can be
But they don't know
This shell is but the start of me
The depths, I go far beyond this sight
The sun and moon that they see
On my pillar high
No one can touch
 The heights of mine
Or feel the sorrow
Down deep inside of me
 The stone figure
Built up high Now tears in his eyes
I begin to cry
For all the hollowness to see
Made of marble, rocks, and stone
With the workmanship of old
Forgotten, here alone
Lights put up
A shallow thought
They can't remember
The days of old
Strength and power
Grace and wonder
Loving kindness no longer splendor
They all sit and wonder
Who does this remember?
What went on here?
Trees are gone
Honor perishes
Concrete grows around
Thought is strangled
Time ticks all is forgotten
Here I stand pure and true
Alone among the millions
Artificial is all I see
Forgotten as the lamp shines on me
The cross pulled down
The Ten stricken out
Memories fade
Why do I stand alone?
One of many
Now alone
Few remain
Tributes to better days
Hard work, honor, honesty
The scales are tipped
Justice is lost
Folly thrives
I n this garden of esteem
All build themselves up
And burn, come the rising sun
They have forgotten
The reason I stand
A faint remembrance
For all to see
Standing tall a spectacle
But the blind can not see
The dead can not feel
Misunderstood stands this statue
So empty and alone
Surrounded by the darkness
Those who try to understand
Frightened by the light
They can not comprehend
 They drown in the depths of his soul
Afraid of this strength they see they understand not the marble
Eroded not by time
As the others around in time do
Flesh born in knowledge and wisdom
Fed by the fruit of the spirit
Strong and tall
The spirit flows
I stand here still
Alone in darkness
For all the world to see
A tower of perfection
Sought by the world
For my rarity
That which scares them
When they see
A dream come true
In the flesh I stand
The pinnacle of the hearts desire
Unwanted in their lustful hearts
Jaded is their vision
A concrete version of me
Taken by hundreds
Millions take the hollow version made of sand
It crumbles in there hands
Dust to dust
A pile of ashes
Still I stand
Alone always alone
I frighten your enemies
Stand tall, give you courage
Inspiration to the masses
Strength for men big and small
A memory of the days of old
Molded by their greatness
Sorrow fills my soul
Tears leave mine eyes
My head is down
For all the world to see
A tower of strength
Here I stand in the spotlight
Alone

About Losing Our Marbles

The clouds and storms we feel are part of our lives. Marbles are lost over time until we learn one day they are gone. The last marble goes easily without our knowledge as all the others before. But as you look back you wonder if you ever had the marbles at all. Marbles are simply the way a world tries to measure sanity. It is those insane normal who measure. Eventually we realize that the marbles are lies and insanity in themselves. To lose our marbles we become honest with ourselves and become shockingly more sane than we ever were. The ones to fear are the true insane who have stacks of marbles, the lies that tell them they are sane

Man In Green

I am a man in green
I have come home
Nothing is different
But everything has changed
I have changed, I am different
I see this world of color in black and white
All the colors are shades of grey
This world is cold and bleak
I see no honor, no discipline, no loyalty
I go with my family who I love deeply
But they are not my family as they once were
I love them and always will
My friends will always be my friends
But my family and friends now are all in green
Our blood is a color on a flag
It pools together to one bright color
We are not the children who left your home
We are men and women now
Forged in pain, tradition and discipline
We are one but all different
We are green
Our bodies a barrel and chamber
Our wit gunpowder
Our heart, bullets, deadly and true
You try to understand us but you can't see
There is strength in us you don't understand
We try to tell you, you listen with great intent
But you shy from our glance because you can not see
The pain and memories in our tears
The pain we have gone through
And why it is we do it
You see my uniform and know me only cloth deep
I am a picture in the paper
A story on the news
A flag draped box
A name on a wall
I am green
A color unseen
A color you do not comprehend
We are different
Our hearts are stained
But we stand true
Our blood is red
It is made of napalm, beer, caffeine and nicotine
You try to understand me
But only green and understand green
We fight for you, die for you,
Come home to you and sit silent for you
Because you listen
But cannot hear
The memories we have and the stories we tell
They make no sense to you
Tales of glory and defeat
Of salvation and death
We are green
See me stand tall
Love me, hate me
I stand so that you can
I say sleep tight
I will stand
Nothing will hurt you
You do not understand
It is not your fault
You try but you do not know
This man in Green