"You bleed just to know you're alive"

My heart has reached a desperate point of question and desire. The welcome unexpected happened to me and now a seemingly perfect picture threatens to be torn apart. A woman that I had met touched my heart as though I had no armor or walls to guard it. She did it unknowingly and non-forcefully with nothing but a smile and a good and open heart. I didn't fall but I was knocked over backwards by this ever so brief encounter. To this day I do not know her but for a few words and a light in her eyes. She was hit just as hard and I did nothing to will it. Our hearts just fell with the lightest brush of a quiet breeze.

I have not been touched so deeply since I was still a child. I had a huge heart with unmatched desire to love. A heart and desire that since has been bridled and walled away by disappointment, hurt and fear.  All at once my heart was like that of a child's, innocent, fearless, and unwavering.

This girl I met was everything I had wanted and looked for when I was young before I closed my heart. The fire in her eyes is one of love, passion, and hope. It is a fire that is rare and one I have not seen but once in my life but it is unmistakable. I spent no more than a few minutes talking with her in the few days that I was able to see her. I visited her at work, she is a waitress, and spent my time enjoying her kindness and unshielded heart. I know very little about her but I know that her life has been hard and that it may not get any better.

I left NM to go back to Iraq for my remaining 2 months in theater with nothing but a phone number and the promise to keep in touch. I texted her through email and she responded. This lasted 3 days and on the fourth I had gotten potentially heart shattering news.

When I met her she was in a relationship with a guy, who I was told was not a good guy. I was told that he was the sort that I would want to come back and teach a lesson or two to. A real piece of work. When asked, she told me that it was a bad situation and that she intended to break up with him but didn't know how. She said that she was afraid to. I kept in touch knowing she was with him but with the knowledge that she would eventually be rid of him. I didn't do anything with her while I was home. I barely gave her a friendly hug, the only physical contact I had with her. I was being honorable about the situation. I wanted to do things right. I wanted to wait until I could love her and she had nothing to hold her back.

On the fourth day I received a short simple message, one of finality that could mean the end of this short lived dream.  This message said that she would have to work things out with her boyfriend because she was pregnant. She said it would have been unfair to not let me know. That was it. This could be real, this could be a message written because she got scared and overwhelmed by what was going on, or fear because of the situation she was in with this guy. I still don't know. I have a tendency to come off strong when my heart gets involved. I don't think it is that. I think that her message was true and that she feels trapped as I now feel trapped.

I wrote back saying that it was up to her but I was not giving up so easily. Whatever she decided was best was what she needed to do but that I would still be here to talk and that I wanted to talk about it. The heart is so reckless when it gets attached. Since then I have felt my heart panic and my armor started to strap on and my walls began to go back up. Still though even with this surprise and certain hardship my heart is unwilling to give up and quit. I don't want to give up and quit. Even though my mind knows I should and I would counsel others to just move on I find myself the fool who does not want to give up on this woman, a rare wonder who was able to get to me. I fear now that I am headed to a heart break that will send my heart into another 10 years of self proclaimed exile. An exile where my heart seeks to feel and love but can not break free of the walls it has built.

If she were to choose me I think that I would take her and make her mine and I would be hers. I don't believe in coincidence. The events of my trip back home directly led to our meeting. My heart foolish as it is does not make mistakes. Every woman I have fallen for has been of the utmost quality even if I was the only one who could see it at the time. I have not been wrong about them. I was only wrong about thinking they were the right one for me. For each one it took only an instant to realize and for all of them it took years to recover. It was no coincidence that we met. It was a fate of some kind. Even if that fate was to show her a few moments of love and sincerity then so be it. But it was meant to happen. Now I wait.

In the last few days I have looked back on the women I have loved and I see now with clear vision that none of them ever could have been. I pursue those that never would have worked out, those who deserve the best, those who I could never be right for. I didn't see it then but I wonder if I didn't know it somewhere in my heart or the back of my mind. I wonder if I don't somehow intentionally torture myself, if I choose the ones who are so right but wrong for me on purpose.  Am I some sort of emotional masochist?

The words of the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls seem to ring loud in my head right now. I have lived my life for others for most of my life. Since I was a child I put the welfare, care and happiness of others before my own. Also, I know part of my calling in this life. I know it is not all pleasant and that my life was not made to be easy. I was called before birth to live a hard life and to be a part of unpleasant work. I was made for it and I go to my destiny with a joy that comes from having a purpose. I wonder if the possibility of my own happiness is a reality. Others tell me that I will find it and that I will have it one day. Others who sometimes know things of tomorrow that normally people shouldn't know without the Lord imparting that knowledge. My doubt is not in the Lord or His will but it is in the things unseen in my life.

It is a sad thing to live every day expecting to be let down. Even more sad when you are right in living with that expectation. I can live that way. The hard thing is I had lost hope. Not hope in the Lord, hope for eternity, or even hope for others. I had lost hope for this world and for my own life. I know my eternal salvation is secure and I have that hope witch is in Christ for the promise He has given for eternity. I have not lost hope that I my live exists to serve Him and that I have a purpose that I will live in service to Him. I have lost hope for my happiness. The promise is not for happiness, or for satisfaction or for my personal desires. It is for His love and for a place with Him in eternity. That is enough. That is what I love for. I just wish would be for a little bit for me. I don't even know if I can truly hope for or wish it anymore or if I have even been able to for a long while.

Yes, I expect to get hurt on this one. I have and will continue to put my heart out on this one even though it is almost certainly the death of another part of my heart. I can do nothing else. I don't know how to quit. It is possibly one of my greatest strengths but also the greatest source of heartache that I have. Regardless I will not give up. The fate of this situation is in her hands and in the hands of the Lord. My heart is out there with all the love it has to give as it is to all those who need it, those who the Lord sends that need to see and feel His love, for my friends and those who I call family. Beyond that I continue to walk down the path that the Lord has set before me to the tasks he has ordained for me, and the fate he has set for me. Not my will but His.

Good Guy Goodbye

I did it again. The only thing I could have done, the right thing. The only thing a good guy can do, say goodbye. The same day that I got the text that she was pregnant with his child I told her that I wasn't giving up because of that. She started by saying that she was going to try to work it out, then that she didn't know what that meant for us, then that she didn't know.  After several messages back and forth I told her she needed to do what was best for her and the baby and from what she was saying, that would be to work on it with him. I said that if that was what was best then she needed to do it. I told her that I would pray for her and I would never forget her. I told her I would think fondly of her and I prayed and wished the best for her and that I was here if she needed me. Then I said goodbye.

As much of an asshole as I have learned to be, in the end I still have to be the good guy. I couldn't just try to persuade her, try harder, not let go. Nope, I told her to go with what she thought was best and then said goodbye. I know this is going to turn out badly. It almost always does when one chooses what is easiest or more convenient. I suppose he does deserve a chance since it is his child but she wanted to get away so bad and was scared to get away for fear of what he would do…….that just sounds like a bad deal. I will pray for her. She is going to need it. I hope she gets better but honestly all I can see is the old sad  story of a woman trapped because she got pregnant  young, stuck with a bad guy, her life ruined and unhappy because of him.  Such an amazing young beautiful woman with so much potential. I will pray for better. She won't call back, when I see her she will say hi and that she is doing well. That is it. That is the way it always works.  I hope I am wrong.

On my end I guess the saddest part is that once I said goodbye the hurt quickly went away, the sorrow went numb. I have gotten good at killing the pain. Gotten good at killing emotions. One day I won't ever feel anything again. Also my walls and armor are up and tougher. I wish I could let them down but I can't not even if I tried. Every time the pain goes away faster and the walls become thicker and the armor gets harder. I don't know how she got through, a weak point in my armor, a hole in the wall, or maybe they both started coming down.  It will be harder to get through now. All I feel now is just that same old emptiness. The same one that has been there since I was a kid. That is it. Just the emptiness. I almost wish I would hurt. I don't know why. I guess at least I would know that my heart is still alive.

As I think about it I know it wasn't her fault. Her situation is, no doubt. But my situation is my fault. I fell and I knew it. I got hit hard and fast and I just kept going with it. I knew from experience that I shouldn't. I have done that too many times but……………honestly, not like that. My heart and mind were cruising with it but somewhere in me, something wanted me to be careful but I wasn’t. I love to easily and recklessly. Not just women but all people in general. I love them even though I know almost as fact that I will be let down. I expect people to fail me, to let me down and still I love them. I suppose that is what I get for those whom I have let down. I just need to give up. It ain't gonna happen. I want it too bad, it scares the crap out of me, I have everything else anyone would want. Lets see what happens next.