A new chapter, back to the beginning

I step into a new chapter of my life. I am forcing this change from one chapter to another. I enter it intentionally with force, dictating the beginning and direction of the new. This force of change, I can already tell, will be painful but I suppose that all change is painful. I suppose it seems more so now that I can see the change and I see that I am the instrument that is forcing it. It is not something that I just step into, nor one that was forced on me. I cannot tell yet how good or beneficial this change will be but I know that I cannot continue to live my life as I have been. I have grown tired, I am actually fatigued, tired of trying for things that will not and cannot be, tired of trying to live for others and failing to do so. Tired of being half in and half out. I have lived so long half way into everything. I must cut out the things I do not need, things that are not good for me. I need to heal. I have faked being strong too long, I have faked being timid and calm too long. Both diametrically opposite but both are how I live and both are wrong. Both sides have been my work and both have exhausted me. I attempt to become me again, though I have been more me than I had been for a long time. I need to be me and then hopefully I can be more and better for everyone around me.

My life, day in and day out, is painful. I hurt every day. I wound myself in my action and inaction but I refuse to bleed. I work hard to no real benefit, it does not help me except to allow me to do it again tomorrow. I work harder to run away from the pain of life and then retire to nothing to rest and runaway from the pain of emptiness in my life.

I may know Christ but I have not served Him wholly as I should and in that I created a hole in my life where He should have been the whole time. I try too hard to find my missing rib and in the struggle I open the wound wider and cause the pain to increase all the time pushing away those who would and might be the missing part of me all the time clinging to those who would not take the challenge of filling that gap and making me whole.

All is folly. My life has been one race trying to catch the wind. I have lived a half way life to the fullest that I could and in doing so I have created a gap between me and the truth. I start to wonder if the life I lived full of loneliness and heartache but  still a full life was easier. I do not wish to feel that again but I live in tortured circles now. Perhaps that pain was less. Perhaps it was the same but it was honest and in truth it was bearable.

I now contemplate living with my heart open again, if I can break down the many walls around it. Love with a heart full of love, fire, and compassion, live in truth and give the pain and sorrow to my Lord as I once did. I know this is the best way and the way we were made to. I must just give up the things I have made part of me, the things of this world, and live as a pauper in the world that I might be a king both in this world and in the next.

I seek to live in wisdom and in truth, to live with love and compassion, to fight as a knight and son of my King with all might, honor, discipline and ferocity as I have been made capable of. I shall reclaim myself by giving myself up to Him who created my and saved me. My goal to lose myself and be only what He forms from this lump of clay. I can not form myself. Only the potter can and in His hands I submit and rest so that He may form me as He desires.

Broken

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
"All love is unrequited."
It is better to have loved that to have never loved. Love is a necessary thing. Necessary for us to live. We can not live without love. While it is better it is pain with which we live when love is not returned or found. " It is not good that man should be alone" We were made to have another part to our lives. We as men were born missing a part of us with which we are incomplete without. We are missing a rib and without it we are missing a part of ourselves. Missing that rib is painful and as we grow older without it we know more how much we can not live without it. We may live out our lives without that life.
A more painful truth is finding that part of ourselves that we are missing, that rib, and not being able to join with it, with her, as is our hearts greatest need and desire beyond our union with God Himself.
Love itself is not the cause of pain, love is beautiful and perfect but the necessity of holding it back and not finding it where one knows it  should be is a great pain. It requires a great force to hold back the fury of nature, the winds and waves, fire and earthquakes but it is nothing compared to the force of love and to hold it back is a pain the likes of which the world itself knows nothing about.
I stand here a lowly man, a humble servant of my creator who placed me on this world whose pain is great from holding that everlasting force, love, back and from the hole created when that love can not be found and is not returned. I stand naked to the elements, bare, completely vulnerable to the world, crushed by the invisible force of which the furies of this world can not compare waiting to be crushed by the seemingly inevitable consequence of this beautiful perfect force of love.
I stand on weak legs ready to fall only to be crushed by its power. All I can do is stand and recieve my missing part or be crushed. Though I swore I would not give up, I stand broken now giving in and giving up. a failure a poor and desolate man. My only saving grace, my Creator, and hope that I might not be crushed but be saved and strengthened by the hope that only love can bring.
I give up. I am broken. Lord you are my only sanctuary and I will follow you alone if I must but I pray and hope for your providence and in hope wait on your will that one day my love be unrequited no more, that I will be made whole by the one you made for me and me for her.

Insanity of 3

If three is a charm
Then we strike out because our efforts failed
To continue to try leads to insanity
For that is simply continuing to fail
Expecting a different result
But then what of hope and persistence
Should we not get back up and ride
Are we not made stronger by the fall?
Yes! We are if we get up, but not if we are broken
Love does not hurt or kill us
What we do in loves name is Dangerous
love unreturned is having lost the battle
Painfully we walk from the field
Beaten and tattered looking forward with hopes
One day, I'll make it home.

Love like God

It is not about whether he loves you or she loves you or even just love. Love is easy, we were created to love and be loved. But love has become perverted by our sin. Are we loving as God does? We can not love in the entirety or with the depth that He does but we were created to love Like He does. Do you love your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband OE wife like Christ loves? Are you loved by your other like God loves you? That is love. Everything else is a shadow or perversion of the real thing.
- Jonathan Gomez

Thank you Jesus

This is a break from the normal poetry.
I just have to say that I seem to have learned a lot so far in 2013. Reading the posts from times before I realize that I just didn't get it. Not saying that I do now but seriously?! I had no Idea what love really was.......Ok I did but not the kind of love that I was seeking and seeking to give. I am still learning but I am not learning from my own feelings or from a woman. Mind you I am realizing a lot from the love I have for a woman but I am not learning love from that I can only see it. I learned and am learning it from God and the way He loves us and the way that Jesus loves us. If the love between a man and a woman is not like that between God and us (Not the same as. We can not love the same that God loves but we can try to and can love like or similarly to the way God loves.) then it is not the way that it should be.

God calls men to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her. It is a self sacrificing love for her glory and salvation. Jesus came to save and to serve and to love. God pursues us all through scripture as we need to pursue our wife not just to make her our wife but to keep her and make her feel wanted and needed and Romances. The bible is a love letter to all of humanity. It is filled with Gods love, romance, adventure, humor, beauty, strength, Masculinity and Femininity. If we are to understand love we need to be looking to the expert. Not our own desires. Seek Him and you will find it. Seek a man or a woman or things and they will always elude. Seek God and He will add these things to you.

Thank you Jesus

I will not wait

I will not wait and sit idly by
As you pass through this world by and by
As you live and build your life
As you hide from and prepare for love
Some might wait for you to conquer your fear
Or wait as you build a career
Boys sit by and hope for a chance
Hoping you pick them with lust their eyes burn
I will not wait and sit idly by
Like those without heart and whose metal goes untested
Cowards stand by and wait to be given that which is unearned
I will not wait an sit idly by
I will fight!
With every flower and every kiss
Every look and every touch
Every date and every call
Every day and every hour
I fight for you
I fight your your love
That of my love
I will not wait
I will fight
Fight for the one I would make my queen

Why I look at you

You ask me "What?"
I say "Nothing"
In a moment of weakness I do not tell the truth
I am looking at you
Yo know that I am
 Deep down in side you wonder why
Even deeper still you have hope
that you are beautiful as you long to be
The image of Gods beauty
In all of creation you are his masterpeice
we watch the sunset and then the sunrise
all of the beautiful colors painted in the sky
the leaves that were green turn yellow and orange
flowers start blooming, a color collage
still as we watch them we talk of the beauty
we never wonder why we are looking
but before my eyes you sit a wonder
in natures company you do defy
a more radiant and mysterious beauty
woman I find
The moon and stars and sunset skies are found in your eyes
the petals of roses lay in your cheeks
 the softness of lilies does you skin defy
fields of wheat and valleys of trees are like the flowing hair but not so fine
every day the morning sun shall rise to give light for our eyes
but not hope like the shine of your smile
rivers flow graceful and tight but still the form of your body brings more delight
your heart burns true, more than the most brilliant of flames
more precious than gold mor brilliant than silver
stronger than diamonds and more beautiful too
you sit there and ask me why I am looking at you
It is because you are beautiful
more than I can ever explain