Touch

I long for a touch.
To feel warmth upon my skin and hold it in my arms.
I yearn for a touch.
A touch beyond that of the flesh
One that would reach beyond the confines of skin
Warmth that touches the heart and calms the soul
A pair of eyes that steals my life away only to return it in greater portion
My arms are empty and heart is cold in empty winter
It shivers as it is caressed by cold winds
The only sound is the howl of the empty desert
It is alone with naught on the horizon
This desert is of my own making
It can't escape it, I create it with every step
I must be found
Warmth might find me if I let it
I long for a touch

We Stand - The Sheep Dog

We live and work among you. You look at us with awe or disdain

You respect us or you hate us

You either love us or fear us, for some it is a little bit of both

We carry guns and we watch everything

We know the exits in the building we are in

We know where a criminal will most likely come from

We see the others who carry weapons

We see the good or evil, the innocence or cruelty in the eyes

We are ever watchful

You see the badge on my chest, the uniform I wear proudly, or my veterans hat

You see the gun on my hip and my back straight and tall

The flag waving in my yard or stuck on my car

My creeds are "Give me Liberty or give me death"

"Don't tread on me" and "Molon Labe"

We work out, we run, and we train to be the best

We stand up for ourselves, for you, we stand tall with pride and confidence

You fear us for these things and because of your fear you hate us

We are different from you

We look different, we act different and we have a different look in our eyes

Our look is not one of innocence or of cruelty

It is one of Justice, courage and vengeance

Not vengeance for ourselves

Vengeance on behalf of those under our watch

We have our teeth and claws, you see them on our hip and in our arms

You hear our growl and bark in our cries of patriotism

And our quiet words of warning saying; No you move

We have seen the evil you pretend does not exist

We know it is there and our existence is a tribute to that truth

Our existence destroys the illusion you create to make you feel better

You hate us for that, for showing you that normal only exists in your head

You hate us because you see what we stand for and you can see us standing

That fact proves that what you fear in the shadows exists

You have not seen that evil that stays out of sight because it waits

It waits to pounce when you get too close

It waits to steal, kill and destroy when it has opportunity

Our existence, our place on the outside between you it and is a reminder

A reminder that not all is well and not all is safe

Your fear of the wolf is taken out on us and manifested in anger

You see our teeth and claws and forget we are your protectors

And you confuse us with the wolf

You hear our bark and growl and think that we are just making noise

That we are getting worked up over nothing

We smell the danger, we see it coming when you cannot

We prepare ourselves and remain ever vigilant to protect you

Those who have cast us to the outside, who label us extreme

We wait and we do our duty when the wolves come in the dark of night

You do not usually see the clash, the blood bone and marrow

You do not see our blood, sweat and tears

But when you do in rare occasion

You run in fear, once again in what you do not understand

Because you live in a world made up in your mind

Far removed from the real one

You keep your distance and keep us far from your herd

Only noticing us enough to jeer, mock and condemn

Until the day you see the wolves, your nightmares in the flesh

Then in that moment you cry out for us to save you

In the moment you are thankful and relieved

Until you return to the herd and condemn us for the blood on our fur

And the scars on our face

You pretend that all is normal and the wolf you saw was just a bad dream

We are the sheep dogs

You hate us and wish we did not exist

Because in your heart our existence proves reality

We stand ever vigilant with love and courage in our hearts

With fire and justice in our eyes

Ever watchful hoping you never see the wolf

Hoping that we never have to act

We stand vigilant, we have seen the wolf and we are ever ready

We are the sheep dog

You may hate us, you may fear us

It matters not.

We stand

Someday

In just one minute I was done
I saw the look in your eyes, you said yes and time just stood still
We danced in circles there was no one else on the floor
The time was ours the would stopped turning and everyone else disappeared.

The sun comes up the sun goes down
The world turns, seasons change, hot to cold
the world is dry until the rain comes to make it green
Children grow, old ones go, nothing stays the same
Life goes on someday I will too.

Date after date we grew close every moment got better
We talked a lot and grew so fast I loved you more and more
We continued our dance as time went on until the lights turned on
A kiss good night I want home and waited for our next date.

The sun comes up the sun goes down
The world turns, seasons change, hot to cold
the world is dry until the rain comes to make it green
Children grow, old ones go, nothing stays the same
Life goes on someday I will too.

I got our of church one night i saw you there sitting outside waiting.
My face lit up I had no idea but tonight was that night.
You said to me friends we'll be from that time on.
It isn't you, it is me I'm just not ready.
I know you'll be alright and I'll see you later for dance next Saturday night.
My world stood still in that moment as another wall was build around my heart.

The sun comes up the sun goes down
The world turns, seasons change, hot to cold
the world is dry until the rain comes to make it green
Children grow, old ones go, nothing stays the same
Life goes on someday I will too.

The world turns life goes on and someday I will too.

A new chapter, back to the beginning

I step into a new chapter of my life. I am forcing this change from one chapter to another. I enter it intentionally with force, dictating the beginning and direction of the new. This force of change, I can already tell, will be painful but I suppose that all change is painful. I suppose it seems more so now that I can see the change and I see that I am the instrument that is forcing it. It is not something that I just step into, nor one that was forced on me. I cannot tell yet how good or beneficial this change will be but I know that I cannot continue to live my life as I have been. I have grown tired, I am actually fatigued, tired of trying for things that will not and cannot be, tired of trying to live for others and failing to do so. Tired of being half in and half out. I have lived so long half way into everything. I must cut out the things I do not need, things that are not good for me. I need to heal. I have faked being strong too long, I have faked being timid and calm too long. Both diametrically opposite but both are how I live and both are wrong. Both sides have been my work and both have exhausted me. I attempt to become me again, though I have been more me than I had been for a long time. I need to be me and then hopefully I can be more and better for everyone around me.

My life, day in and day out, is painful. I hurt every day. I wound myself in my action and inaction but I refuse to bleed. I work hard to no real benefit, it does not help me except to allow me to do it again tomorrow. I work harder to run away from the pain of life and then retire to nothing to rest and runaway from the pain of emptiness in my life.

I may know Christ but I have not served Him wholly as I should and in that I created a hole in my life where He should have been the whole time. I try too hard to find my missing rib and in the struggle I open the wound wider and cause the pain to increase all the time pushing away those who would and might be the missing part of me all the time clinging to those who would not take the challenge of filling that gap and making me whole.

All is folly. My life has been one race trying to catch the wind. I have lived a half way life to the fullest that I could and in doing so I have created a gap between me and the truth. I start to wonder if the life I lived full of loneliness and heartache but  still a full life was easier. I do not wish to feel that again but I live in tortured circles now. Perhaps that pain was less. Perhaps it was the same but it was honest and in truth it was bearable.

I now contemplate living with my heart open again, if I can break down the many walls around it. Love with a heart full of love, fire, and compassion, live in truth and give the pain and sorrow to my Lord as I once did. I know this is the best way and the way we were made to. I must just give up the things I have made part of me, the things of this world, and live as a pauper in the world that I might be a king both in this world and in the next.

I seek to live in wisdom and in truth, to live with love and compassion, to fight as a knight and son of my King with all might, honor, discipline and ferocity as I have been made capable of. I shall reclaim myself by giving myself up to Him who created my and saved me. My goal to lose myself and be only what He forms from this lump of clay. I can not form myself. Only the potter can and in His hands I submit and rest so that He may form me as He desires.

Broken

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
"All love is unrequited."
It is better to have loved that to have never loved. Love is a necessary thing. Necessary for us to live. We can not live without love. While it is better it is pain with which we live when love is not returned or found. " It is not good that man should be alone" We were made to have another part to our lives. We as men were born missing a part of us with which we are incomplete without. We are missing a rib and without it we are missing a part of ourselves. Missing that rib is painful and as we grow older without it we know more how much we can not live without it. We may live out our lives without that life.
A more painful truth is finding that part of ourselves that we are missing, that rib, and not being able to join with it, with her, as is our hearts greatest need and desire beyond our union with God Himself.
Love itself is not the cause of pain, love is beautiful and perfect but the necessity of holding it back and not finding it where one knows it  should be is a great pain. It requires a great force to hold back the fury of nature, the winds and waves, fire and earthquakes but it is nothing compared to the force of love and to hold it back is a pain the likes of which the world itself knows nothing about.
I stand here a lowly man, a humble servant of my creator who placed me on this world whose pain is great from holding that everlasting force, love, back and from the hole created when that love can not be found and is not returned. I stand naked to the elements, bare, completely vulnerable to the world, crushed by the invisible force of which the furies of this world can not compare waiting to be crushed by the seemingly inevitable consequence of this beautiful perfect force of love.
I stand on weak legs ready to fall only to be crushed by its power. All I can do is stand and recieve my missing part or be crushed. Though I swore I would not give up, I stand broken now giving in and giving up. a failure a poor and desolate man. My only saving grace, my Creator, and hope that I might not be crushed but be saved and strengthened by the hope that only love can bring.
I give up. I am broken. Lord you are my only sanctuary and I will follow you alone if I must but I pray and hope for your providence and in hope wait on your will that one day my love be unrequited no more, that I will be made whole by the one you made for me and me for her.

Insanity of 3

If three is a charm
Then we strike out because our efforts failed
To continue to try leads to insanity
For that is simply continuing to fail
Expecting a different result
But then what of hope and persistence
Should we not get back up and ride
Are we not made stronger by the fall?
Yes! We are if we get up, but not if we are broken
Love does not hurt or kill us
What we do in loves name is Dangerous
love unreturned is having lost the battle
Painfully we walk from the field
Beaten and tattered looking forward with hopes
One day, I'll make it home.

Love like God

It is not about whether he loves you or she loves you or even just love. Love is easy, we were created to love and be loved. But love has become perverted by our sin. Are we loving as God does? We can not love in the entirety or with the depth that He does but we were created to love Like He does. Do you love your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband OE wife like Christ loves? Are you loved by your other like God loves you? That is love. Everything else is a shadow or perversion of the real thing.
- Jonathan Gomez