I screwed up

I don't know what to do with myself. I was seeing a girl, not dating. We had dated for like 4 days but then she said she wanted to take it slow. Ok. I continued to pursue her even though I kinda knew this was gong to end badly. I still hoped. Stupid hope monkey.
So for about 2 weeks I texted her and bought chocolate for her and flowers once. Stuff I never do for anyone and have not done in a couple of years. Still, I did this and she was not my girl. I was hoping. I found myself telling the handful of girls, seven of them, that were trying to get my attention that I was seeing someone, or that I had a girlfriend or that I was just too busy to do anything else but work, which is and was true too. I turned down gals that I could have had for a hope.
This last weekend I went out for the first time in over 2 months to see a friend who wanted to see me. I ran into a girl I knew that I liked but there was never anything there. I directly flirted with her as I always would have in the past and bam! I messed up.
She is close friends with the close friend of the girl I was seeing. I knew this could have been a mistake but I was buzzed and didn't think about it until later. I kinda knew immediately but buzzed me ignored it. I screwed up.
There is more to the story like her talking to her ex for the past week, how I didn't hear from her as much, all he sweetness went away and how I have known for a week that this was probably coming in one way or another. It's just sad that I brought it about. I mean I would have in one way or another anyway. I would have been smothering, not giving her enough space, work too much, not give enough, too flirty (which i know i am natuarally. I need to work on killing that) or I would have given up. It was coming I just hoped I was wrong.
In the end I would like to say she drove me to it, not wanting to commit, talking to the ex, talking to me just enough to be polite friends when I texted. I could have avoided it by talking straight to her and asking, and that probably would have ended it right there.
The thing that kills me is that she thought I was not being honest with her. I did not pursue anyone, date anyone, sleep with anyone, go on a date, buy things for anyone but her. I was not dishonest, I made a bad choice and that was to go out. Had I stayed home none of it would have happened and I knew that I shouldn't have gone to that bar because it is nothing but trouble and it brings a different me out and I know it. I messed up because I went to where I knew I shouldn't. That damned bar. It's not a bad place but I am not good when I am there.

The Veterans Battle

The Veterans Battle

We dealt with danger, war, death, and fear. We lost people we knew. We left our homes, family, friends and the comfort of home to do something bigger. I know some joined for college or because they felt that there was nothing else for them. But many of us joined to do something and be a part of something bigger than us, something that made a difference. Those who experienced deployment and the danger outside of the wire, experienced life to it’s fullest. We knew we could die and so we lived. While we were in service we mattered, we had a mission, we had family and it is our family still, we were the best we could be. We put everything up to and including our lives on the line. Even if no one outside of the brothers next to us knew who we were, we were someone. We mattered.

Now we no longer don a uniform, salute the flag every day, live and train for a day that may or may not come. Now we look like everyone else. When we got out of service we looked and acted differently. We had confidence that could shake and stir a crowd. We still walked with purpose and we put ourselves into everything we did. We still had the spice of life flowing in and from us. We knew things and had standards no one else had. We were powerful. As time went on though, that started to change.

As we worked with everyone else we were told to tone it down. We were told that we are not soldiers anymore. We were told to chill out and to loosen up. We were told to adhere to the standard of those around us which is mediocrity. Over time, we changed because people did not get us, understand us or know how to accept us. We were frightening because we knew things and had had strong beliefs. We worked harder, which to us was not even hard, longer and with more dedication. We were raising the bar and that was threatening to the life normal people live. Our motivation kept us from advancing as it was intimidating. We were shunned because we were “extreme” because our stories were foreign and our hearts beat with the fire of hell. We were told to conform or fail; a well-known story for us who had to raise the bar and conform to excellence or die. Now told that we need to be half of what we are. We were told to be normal, boring, unmotivated, dispassionate and quiet.

As we slowly reintegrate (though we never fully do) into society we start killing ourselves so that we can succeed and fit in. People reading this might think that this is a figurative statement but it is not. Forcing us to be unexceptional, forcing us to hide and bottle up the raw emotions we have is killing us from the inside out. It is when it comes out that it actually kills us.

Yes PTSD, the struggles veterans have because of the things we did and saw, cause us harm but not as much as the harm society puts on us because of it, as much as your demand that we be normal, not as much as the realization that we will never be what we once were. Your judgment of us is killing us, the way you fear us kills us, and your forcing us to be less than what we are, kills us.

There are military memes out there with pictures of soldiers deployed walking in Iraq and Afghanistan conducting patrols, soldiers and marines being shot at and the text on all of them says “PTSD. Knowing you will never be this badass again” Many a vet has shared with me and I agree that this statement is what causes us the most pain. We will never mean what we once did, have the responsibility that we once did, or matter in the same way. There is no need to be as physically fit, keep our weapon skills up, maintain discipline or create bonds of brotherhood like we once did. We will not be fighting on behalf of millions, save lives or conduct ourselves as we once did with perfection and calm in utter chaos. We were once titans never to be again.

This, more than combat, more than PTSD by itself, more than accidents, kill veterans. This is the biggest cause of veteran suicide. We are already suffering inside but you force us to make it worse by forcing us to be less than what we are so that we fit in. Veterans commit suicide because we feel lost, alone, unwanted, unneeded and left in the darkness of our heart as we dull our light, strength, beliefs and hide our hearts. At the point where we can be at any time it takes one event, a catalyst, to push us over and end what we feel is only a part of an existence. It can be the loss of a friend, a significant other cheating or leaving us, loss of a job, or being rejected by someone close to us.

I am not saying that everyone needs to treat us delicately or walk on eggshells around us; just the opposite. Let us grow and thrive. Challenge us. Let us succeed where others don’t. Let us lead, win, fight for you, build things, work hard and stand proudly with you. You don’t need to understand us just accept us. Don’t hold us back, unleash us to do great things. We can do great things and we would build a better stronger nation, states, cities, communities businesses and generations to follow.  

On a final note to my brothers; if you are feeling like this, if you are feeling suicidal, alone, hopeless or you just need support, call someone. You now your battle buddies that you served with, call them. Get a hold of one of the veteran and veteran support pages: Should’ve been Infantry, girls for gunslingers, ranger up, themgrunts, gruntworks – all on Facebook. Seriously call someone. One of this things about the veteran community is we have all been there, we go there from time to time, we always have each other’s 6 and we don’t judge each other because of the hell we all go through. We went through hell together once and we will do it again with you. 

Touch

I long for a touch.
To feel warmth upon my skin and hold it in my arms.
I yearn for a touch.
A touch beyond that of the flesh
One that would reach beyond the confines of skin
Warmth that touches the heart and calms the soul
A pair of eyes that steals my life away only to return it in greater portion
My arms are empty and heart is cold in empty winter
It shivers as it is caressed by cold winds
The only sound is the howl of the empty desert
It is alone with naught on the horizon
This desert is of my own making
It can't escape it, I create it with every step
I must be found
Warmth might find me if I let it
I long for a touch

We Stand - The Sheep Dog

We live and work among you. You look at us with awe or disdain

You respect us or you hate us

You either love us or fear us, for some it is a little bit of both

We carry guns and we watch everything

We know the exits in the building we are in

We know where a criminal will most likely come from

We see the others who carry weapons

We see the good or evil, the innocence or cruelty in the eyes

We are ever watchful

You see the badge on my chest, the uniform I wear proudly, or my veterans hat

You see the gun on my hip and my back straight and tall

The flag waving in my yard or stuck on my car

My creeds are "Give me Liberty or give me death"

"Don't tread on me" and "Molon Labe"

We work out, we run, and we train to be the best

We stand up for ourselves, for you, we stand tall with pride and confidence

You fear us for these things and because of your fear you hate us

We are different from you

We look different, we act different and we have a different look in our eyes

Our look is not one of innocence or of cruelty

It is one of Justice, courage and vengeance

Not vengeance for ourselves

Vengeance on behalf of those under our watch

We have our teeth and claws, you see them on our hip and in our arms

You hear our growl and bark in our cries of patriotism

And our quiet words of warning saying; No you move

We have seen the evil you pretend does not exist

We know it is there and our existence is a tribute to that truth

Our existence destroys the illusion you create to make you feel better

You hate us for that, for showing you that normal only exists in your head

You hate us because you see what we stand for and you can see us standing

That fact proves that what you fear in the shadows exists

You have not seen that evil that stays out of sight because it waits

It waits to pounce when you get too close

It waits to steal, kill and destroy when it has opportunity

Our existence, our place on the outside between you it and is a reminder

A reminder that not all is well and not all is safe

Your fear of the wolf is taken out on us and manifested in anger

You see our teeth and claws and forget we are your protectors

And you confuse us with the wolf

You hear our bark and growl and think that we are just making noise

That we are getting worked up over nothing

We smell the danger, we see it coming when you cannot

We prepare ourselves and remain ever vigilant to protect you

Those who have cast us to the outside, who label us extreme

We wait and we do our duty when the wolves come in the dark of night

You do not usually see the clash, the blood bone and marrow

You do not see our blood, sweat and tears

But when you do in rare occasion

You run in fear, once again in what you do not understand

Because you live in a world made up in your mind

Far removed from the real one

You keep your distance and keep us far from your herd

Only noticing us enough to jeer, mock and condemn

Until the day you see the wolves, your nightmares in the flesh

Then in that moment you cry out for us to save you

In the moment you are thankful and relieved

Until you return to the herd and condemn us for the blood on our fur

And the scars on our face

You pretend that all is normal and the wolf you saw was just a bad dream

We are the sheep dogs

You hate us and wish we did not exist

Because in your heart our existence proves reality

We stand ever vigilant with love and courage in our hearts

With fire and justice in our eyes

Ever watchful hoping you never see the wolf

Hoping that we never have to act

We stand vigilant, we have seen the wolf and we are ever ready

We are the sheep dog

You may hate us, you may fear us

It matters not.

We stand

Someday

In just one minute I was done
I saw the look in your eyes, you said yes and time just stood still
We danced in circles there was no one else on the floor
The time was ours the would stopped turning and everyone else disappeared.

The sun comes up the sun goes down
The world turns, seasons change, hot to cold
the world is dry until the rain comes to make it green
Children grow, old ones go, nothing stays the same
Life goes on someday I will too.

Date after date we grew close every moment got better
We talked a lot and grew so fast I loved you more and more
We continued our dance as time went on until the lights turned on
A kiss good night I want home and waited for our next date.

The sun comes up the sun goes down
The world turns, seasons change, hot to cold
the world is dry until the rain comes to make it green
Children grow, old ones go, nothing stays the same
Life goes on someday I will too.

I got our of church one night i saw you there sitting outside waiting.
My face lit up I had no idea but tonight was that night.
You said to me friends we'll be from that time on.
It isn't you, it is me I'm just not ready.
I know you'll be alright and I'll see you later for dance next Saturday night.
My world stood still in that moment as another wall was build around my heart.

The sun comes up the sun goes down
The world turns, seasons change, hot to cold
the world is dry until the rain comes to make it green
Children grow, old ones go, nothing stays the same
Life goes on someday I will too.

The world turns life goes on and someday I will too.

A new chapter, back to the beginning

I step into a new chapter of my life. I am forcing this change from one chapter to another. I enter it intentionally with force, dictating the beginning and direction of the new. This force of change, I can already tell, will be painful but I suppose that all change is painful. I suppose it seems more so now that I can see the change and I see that I am the instrument that is forcing it. It is not something that I just step into, nor one that was forced on me. I cannot tell yet how good or beneficial this change will be but I know that I cannot continue to live my life as I have been. I have grown tired, I am actually fatigued, tired of trying for things that will not and cannot be, tired of trying to live for others and failing to do so. Tired of being half in and half out. I have lived so long half way into everything. I must cut out the things I do not need, things that are not good for me. I need to heal. I have faked being strong too long, I have faked being timid and calm too long. Both diametrically opposite but both are how I live and both are wrong. Both sides have been my work and both have exhausted me. I attempt to become me again, though I have been more me than I had been for a long time. I need to be me and then hopefully I can be more and better for everyone around me.

My life, day in and day out, is painful. I hurt every day. I wound myself in my action and inaction but I refuse to bleed. I work hard to no real benefit, it does not help me except to allow me to do it again tomorrow. I work harder to run away from the pain of life and then retire to nothing to rest and runaway from the pain of emptiness in my life.

I may know Christ but I have not served Him wholly as I should and in that I created a hole in my life where He should have been the whole time. I try too hard to find my missing rib and in the struggle I open the wound wider and cause the pain to increase all the time pushing away those who would and might be the missing part of me all the time clinging to those who would not take the challenge of filling that gap and making me whole.

All is folly. My life has been one race trying to catch the wind. I have lived a half way life to the fullest that I could and in doing so I have created a gap between me and the truth. I start to wonder if the life I lived full of loneliness and heartache but  still a full life was easier. I do not wish to feel that again but I live in tortured circles now. Perhaps that pain was less. Perhaps it was the same but it was honest and in truth it was bearable.

I now contemplate living with my heart open again, if I can break down the many walls around it. Love with a heart full of love, fire, and compassion, live in truth and give the pain and sorrow to my Lord as I once did. I know this is the best way and the way we were made to. I must just give up the things I have made part of me, the things of this world, and live as a pauper in the world that I might be a king both in this world and in the next.

I seek to live in wisdom and in truth, to live with love and compassion, to fight as a knight and son of my King with all might, honor, discipline and ferocity as I have been made capable of. I shall reclaim myself by giving myself up to Him who created my and saved me. My goal to lose myself and be only what He forms from this lump of clay. I can not form myself. Only the potter can and in His hands I submit and rest so that He may form me as He desires.

Broken

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
"All love is unrequited."
It is better to have loved that to have never loved. Love is a necessary thing. Necessary for us to live. We can not live without love. While it is better it is pain with which we live when love is not returned or found. " It is not good that man should be alone" We were made to have another part to our lives. We as men were born missing a part of us with which we are incomplete without. We are missing a rib and without it we are missing a part of ourselves. Missing that rib is painful and as we grow older without it we know more how much we can not live without it. We may live out our lives without that life.
A more painful truth is finding that part of ourselves that we are missing, that rib, and not being able to join with it, with her, as is our hearts greatest need and desire beyond our union with God Himself.
Love itself is not the cause of pain, love is beautiful and perfect but the necessity of holding it back and not finding it where one knows it  should be is a great pain. It requires a great force to hold back the fury of nature, the winds and waves, fire and earthquakes but it is nothing compared to the force of love and to hold it back is a pain the likes of which the world itself knows nothing about.
I stand here a lowly man, a humble servant of my creator who placed me on this world whose pain is great from holding that everlasting force, love, back and from the hole created when that love can not be found and is not returned. I stand naked to the elements, bare, completely vulnerable to the world, crushed by the invisible force of which the furies of this world can not compare waiting to be crushed by the seemingly inevitable consequence of this beautiful perfect force of love.
I stand on weak legs ready to fall only to be crushed by its power. All I can do is stand and recieve my missing part or be crushed. Though I swore I would not give up, I stand broken now giving in and giving up. a failure a poor and desolate man. My only saving grace, my Creator, and hope that I might not be crushed but be saved and strengthened by the hope that only love can bring.
I give up. I am broken. Lord you are my only sanctuary and I will follow you alone if I must but I pray and hope for your providence and in hope wait on your will that one day my love be unrequited no more, that I will be made whole by the one you made for me and me for her.