I did it again. The only thing I could have done, the right thing. The only thing a good guy can do, say goodbye. The same day that I got the text that she was pregnant with his child I told her that I wasn't giving up because of that. She started by saying that she was going to try to work it out, then that she didn't know what that meant for us, then that she didn't know. After several messages back and forth I told her she needed to do what was best for her and the baby and from what she was saying, that would be to work on it with him. I said that if that was what was best then she needed to do it. I told her that I would pray for her and I would never forget her. I told her I would think fondly of her and I prayed and wished the best for her and that I was here if she needed me. Then I said goodbye.
As much of an asshole as I have learned to be, in the end I still have to be the good guy. I couldn't just try to persuade her, try harder, not let go. Nope, I told her to go with what she thought was best and then said goodbye. I know this is going to turn out badly. It almost always does when one chooses what is easiest or more convenient. I suppose he does deserve a chance since it is his child but she wanted to get away so bad and was scared to get away for fear of what he would do…….that just sounds like a bad deal. I will pray for her. She is going to need it. I hope she gets better but honestly all I can see is the old sad story of a woman trapped because she got pregnant young, stuck with a bad guy, her life ruined and unhappy because of him. Such an amazing young beautiful woman with so much potential. I will pray for better. She won't call back, when I see her she will say hi and that she is doing well. That is it. That is the way it always works. I hope I am wrong.
On my end I guess the saddest part is that once I said goodbye the hurt quickly went away, the sorrow went numb. I have gotten good at killing the pain. Gotten good at killing emotions. One day I won't ever feel anything again. Also my walls and armor are up and tougher. I wish I could let them down but I can't not even if I tried. Every time the pain goes away faster and the walls become thicker and the armor gets harder. I don't know how she got through, a weak point in my armor, a hole in the wall, or maybe they both started coming down. It will be harder to get through now. All I feel now is just that same old emptiness. The same one that has been there since I was a kid. That is it. Just the emptiness. I almost wish I would hurt. I don't know why. I guess at least I would know that my heart is still alive.
As I think about it I know it wasn't her fault. Her situation is, no doubt. But my situation is my fault. I fell and I knew it. I got hit hard and fast and I just kept going with it. I knew from experience that I shouldn't. I have done that too many times but……………honestly, not like that. My heart and mind were cruising with it but somewhere in me, something wanted me to be careful but I wasn’t. I love to easily and recklessly. Not just women but all people in general. I love them even though I know almost as fact that I will be let down. I expect people to fail me, to let me down and still I love them. I suppose that is what I get for those whom I have let down. I just need to give up. It ain't gonna happen. I want it too bad, it scares the crap out of me, I have everything else anyone would want. Lets see what happens next.
No comments:
Post a Comment